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IT'S NOT MY LIFE

By: Lulu, 02.03.2010, Comments: 2

I appeal to the women, who are not spoilt, which insist on their principals, but are forced to compromise, I appeal to the resigned mothers who combine family with career, and I appeal to the beautiful loners.

I have married 13 years ago against my parent’s will. I’ve been crying in my first marriage night, sitting on the bedroom suit. I gave birth to two children, which are very close with me. They painfully miss me, when I am travelling, or I am working, or I am under treatment far from home.

I will not go in details about my life.

My real problem, which I am trying intuitively to solve, started 4 years ago. We have never had regular sexual life with my husband, but some years ago he definite boycotted the intimacy with me.

I’ve tried to talk to him – he didn’t want. I did my best to be very gentile with him – no success. I’ve been bagging him to sleep with me. I am an attractive woman, lovable and tender. I could not find explanation for his behavior. I felt physical pain from the need of sex. I had dizziness, I fainted I’ve been trembling; my hands and tongue were tingling. I had two hard nerve crises. I have been testing different medicines for a long time, while the doctors were trying to diagnose my problem. I’ve passed so many diagnoses and finally they said panic disease. During a scandal with my husband he mentioned that I am zero in the bed. I was so deeply hurt, that I became speechless.

I haven’t been touched by a man for about a year. The ruins from the decided woman woke up in me and I betrayed. And I did it again – with other man. I started to discover how different I can be when I am really excited. Excuse me for the naturalistic descriptions, but I have nothing to lose, a lot of women would understand.

My husband was jealous, even though he didn’t know for the others. I was trying not to be. When one morning he said that he’d been writing SMS with a woman we knew, but her husband understood. Everything turned. He had been sleeping with her. He did not deny. Before the confession she used to come to our house only when he was alone. After his confession about the relationship with her I started to calm him down. It was seen he was much tensed. The atmosphere at home was poisoned for the next two weeks. I wished to hurt him, and I told him I had other men too. Since that moment already seven months except that we don’t make sex, we talk officially only. We started to chase each other. And we fight in a really ugly way.

We have totally different eyesight for our kids’ upbringing.

No more tenderness.

Each of us steals it outside. He sits chatting when we are at home. I start to act bitingly.

We turned on co-tenant, which are growing up common kids. We hate each other. We are jealous form each other. We can’t stand each other. We avoid each other. We talked for separation.

He said he can’t stay away from our daughter. What about our son? I can’t live without my kids, but I can’t bear him anymore. I feel incapable of falling in love again. He suspects I want to live with another man. It’s funny and miserable. I just can’t live with him. I am shocked. I can’t leave. And I have no where. I have no resources. I am unable to take care of my kids alone. And I can’t stay without them.

It’s a long story.

What am I supposed to do??


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