Dilemma. Heart broken
Heartbroken seems to be something common in my life. Hi dear readers, I would like to share a story of mine which everything started when I was in my school age. Had this sweet cute love for 5 years when everything ended up because he cheated on me. An express love story to start my life huh? I proceeded my life until I got into college. I found someone who's really kind and sincere to me. He did really cared bout me and helped almost everything when I just started my college life. He was 4 years older than me and we really had great time. But my life didn't get that easy when I suddenly fell in love with this guy,A. Yes, its my fault but I never felt such a deep love with anyone like A. As for result, I left the guy who's older than me and I went with A. Our life was like the most happiest couple ever had. We really know each other well, we even had the same family background which kinda complicated. its like when I'm with him, its like I'm in the other world which there's no one else but us. Happily ever after feeling. I soon realised that life couldn't be more easier when I really had my karma.
A told me that he wanted to take his time because of his studies and wanted to enjoy his life cz he didn't want to regret it later on(which I thought was bullshit). He just left me and without any news of him, sooner I found that he did went out with some girls. My heart was totally crushed and I was kinda insane for like a month. Come and go is want the life is, a guy which I never met eventhough we were in the same programmme for 3 years,suddenly wishes to be friend with me. We became friends and he started to confess his feelings towards me. I felt kinda guilty to give a straight no. So I did accept to be his gf but for the time being I told him that I didn't had those kinda feeling towards him cz I was too afraid to love someone again.
With no second guess, he accepted and we proceed our relationship for almost a year. After a chat and some memories, I started to had those feelings towards my bf. The problem is now, my current bf did something which really made me dissapointed. From what he did to me, as if like I'm someone with no dignity. Not just enough with those problems, suddenly guy A came back to me and asking me forgiveness. A told me that he was too dumb and too ego to realize everything he did was wrong.
Now I'm in dilemma. I do love my bf, but I really loved A so much. Yeah for sure my bf has a totally different family background which I was really comfort with their ways for accepting me and he do love me. But with A was different, it was just love. I could only give love as my reason for wanting him. I always thought that if I really do love my bf that much, I wouldn't be this hard to choose between both of them. Means that my love is not that much for my bf as my love for A?? Currently I couldn't choose either one of them. I'm afraid that I would regret someday and I really don't wanna break any of their hearts. I told both of them that I just want to be friends with them. Just like me and my other friends. To ease this story, A is my ex which he left me but I really do love him with all my heart. He is kinda flirting type with other woman. My bf is kind and innocent guy who just made me dissapointed and make me feel like no dignity. Now the point is I know that I should choose my bf rather than A. But my love towards A is making me hard to decide. I really don't wanna regret and love someonelse while I'm married with another guy. I just couldn't decide who I should give the second chance. One who left me, one who made me felt like I'm such a cheap girl. I'm totally in dilemma. Any advice would be really a help for me. For sure a divorce after marriage is a no for me because my previous life from a divorced family.