It is lying on my conscience

by Anonymous True stories Separation 2 comments

I frequently read your stories and I decided I can write mine, too. I will start by saying that I had a great childhood, but from a certain point I started seeing inappropriate people.

When I was 19, my mother told me that she and her husband are not my real parents, that they have adopted me. I couldn’t stand it, was it because I was in puberty, I don’t know. I told them I hate and despise them and moved to live in another town.

I didn’t endure long and after three months I went back. I have met a man… accidentally… we went for a coffee, talked for 3 hours, and I left with him for Varna. It was the most amazing evening I've ever had… but he was married. Nevertheless, our relationship lasted about two years. I loved him very much, bud I had no future with him… he was married.

20 days before my birthday I realized that I was pregnant… false pregnancy… I was in the forth month. He made me get rid of the baby. I was afraid, how would I go there… lie there… and what is more, my mother was working in the same hospital and everyone knew me. Christ, if she finds out – she will kill me, but I don’t give a damn.

I didn’t think much of my mother, I don’t know why... I just didn’t love them… I still don’t, I only respect them, I don’t know why.

Anyway, I did the abortion, and the above-mentioned man did not even appear... did not even call to see how I was. I decided that all this will have to end… but he didn’t want to. He told me he loved me, that I was his thrill and so on. For the first time in my life I saw a crying man, and it was over me. I am a good person, I care a lot for my friends, if I have friends at all… but I respect them.

I have helped so many people… familiar and strangers. So when I broke up with this man I met my best friend… She knows everything about me and I know everything about her, but even for her, now I can hardly say she is a friend… why is that so?

Because of her I was being forced to become a prostitute, I was raped twice… they kidnapped me and what not. I have had lots of men… I am not a beauty queen, but I guess I attract men in some way. There was a time in my life when I didn’t care who I would go to bed with, only if he was a bit cute… that lasted for 3 years.

One day my life turned upside down. My friend had a small business… I used to spend almost all my time with her… One day two men approached us… one of them smiling… it seemed he knew V~(my friend’s name). He looked at me and smiled. I only asked V~ who is he? She didn’t answer… they started talking… and suddenly he said – aren’t you going to introduce me to this wonderful lady… he meant me. I pretended not to be there… Because I hate arrogant men… so I act inaccessible… we were introduced, but I didn’t even make eye contact. He said – look me in the eyes, but I said: no, I only look a person in the eyes when I'm lying:)))) Inaccessible… phew. And he was really handsome, with big green eyes… amazing:))) He and V~ agreed to meet on the next day for coffee… but he said… only if your friend comes along, otherwise no. And… I had the feeling that… I don’t know exactly what this feeling was, but I couldn’t wait to see him again. I didn’t want V~ to find out, so I didn’t know what to do. She simply said: S~ (his name) likes you very much. Yes, of course, we all know these things… just to get you in his bed and then you suddenly stop being pretty… but still I wanted to see him. Next day he called her and we decided to meet in a coffee place. My feelings were mixed, I wanted to go and still, I didn't. We went, of course, my curiosity to see what will happen took over me. We met at the coffee place… and he started talking to me… I was pretending that I'm not listening… until we drank 3 or 4 cocktails… That same night I slept with him… it was great… he left me in front of my place and said: I need to go to Sofia to get some documents in order and when I come back I will call you. But nothing happened… a month passed, then a month and a half, he didn't show up and I already missed him… I had the feeling that I knew this guy for ages, that we have always been together, but I had no news from him and knew nothing at all. One day V~ called me and said that S~ called his friends last night to ask for my phone number… they met me and I gave it to them, you are not angry with me, are you? I told her no… next day I was starting a new job and I had to get up early… I switched on my phone and I received a text message: I had to leave for England, I am sorry about that, if you want me to call you just text me, kissing you. I was out of myself with happiness, I wanted to shout as loud as I can. Of course I wanted to hear his voice, to find out why things turned out that way… And so… A year of telephone love went by. I was on the phone with him every other day for 2 hours, one whole year. And then came the moment when he was coming back for a while… He wanted me to go to Sofia and meet him, he was in Bulgaria for 2 months and it was the best summer I've ever had, but then he had to go back again. In the meantime I also applied for an English visa. When he was leaving it was like something broke inside of me. I wasn’t sure whether I was going to obtain a visa, but he said: if it doesn’t work, I am giving you some homework… to think if you want to marry me. My God, I didn’t know what to say, I only smiled. So he left and I was without him for 2 months… and I cheated on him… 3 times. I don’t know why… it wasn’t fair to him. He was so good to me and I, the fool, cheated on him.

I am now with him in England. We have been living together for a year, but this lies on my conscience. I want to confess, but I am sure it would be the end. I have one more problem. I was pregnant from him, but I got rid of the baby… he doesn’t know about that either… too many lies and I can’t live with them anymore.

I don’t know, I want to tell him, but whenever I think it is the right time… I get scared. I started treating him bad, we fight all the time. Of course, it is all my fault. A week ago we even wanted to end our relationship, because he said that he can’t stand it any more, the way I treat him… oh, I really don’t know how exactly.

Please, tell me what to do… I am sorry, I probably bored you, but at least I feel better now.