IT'S NOT MY LIFE
by Lulu • True stories • Intimacy • • 2 comments
I appeal to the women, who are not spoilt, which insist on their principals, but are forced to compromise, I appeal to the resigned mothers who combine family with career, and I appeal to the beautiful loners.
I have married 13 years ago against my parent’s will. I’ve been crying in my first marriage night, sitting on the bedroom suit. I gave birth to two children, which are very close with me. They painfully miss me, when I am travelling, or I am working, or I am under treatment far from home.
I will not go in details about my life.
My real problem, which I am trying intuitively to solve, started 4 years ago. We have never had regular sexual life with my husband, but some years ago he definite boycotted the intimacy with me.
I’ve tried to talk to him – he didn’t want. I did my best to be very gentile with him – no success. I’ve been bagging him to sleep with me. I am an attractive woman, lovable and tender. I could not find explanation for his behavior. I felt physical pain from the need of sex. I had dizziness, I fainted I’ve been trembling; my hands and tongue were tingling. I had two hard nerve crises. I have been testing different medicines for a long time, while the doctors were trying to diagnose my problem. I’ve passed so many diagnoses and finally they said panic disease. During a scandal with my husband he mentioned that I am zero in the bed. I was so deeply hurt, that I became speechless.
I haven’t been touched by a man for about a year. The ruins from the decided woman woke up in me and I betrayed. And I did it again – with other man. I started to discover how different I can be when I am really excited. Excuse me for the naturalistic descriptions, but I have nothing to lose, a lot of women would understand.
My husband was jealous, even though he didn’t know for the others. I was trying not to be. When one morning he said that he’d been writing SMS with a woman we knew, but her husband understood. Everything turned. He had been sleeping with her. He did not deny. Before the confession she used to come to our house only when he was alone. After his confession about the relationship with her I started to calm him down. It was seen he was much tensed. The atmosphere at home was poisoned for the next two weeks. I wished to hurt him, and I told him I had other men too. Since that moment already seven months except that we don’t make sex, we talk officially only. We started to chase each other. And we fight in a really ugly way.
We have totally different eyesight for our kids’ upbringing.
No more tenderness.
Each of us steals it outside. He sits chatting when we are at home. I start to act bitingly.
We turned on co-tenant, which are growing up common kids. We hate each other. We are jealous form each other. We can’t stand each other. We avoid each other. We talked for separation.
He said he can’t stay away from our daughter. What about our son? I can’t live without my kids, but I can’t bear him anymore. I feel incapable of falling in love again. He suspects I want to live with another man. It’s funny and miserable. I just can’t live with him. I am shocked. I can’t leave. And I have no where. I have no resources. I am unable to take care of my kids alone. And I can’t stay without them.
It’s a long story.
What am I supposed to do??
Here it goes...here's a story about a man who used to spend his life trying to define true love by not giving up on his family by trying to support the woman that he would spend the rest of his life with, the first seven years where great and with their first child he thought he was on the right track until he lost a good paying job trying to make everyone happy. It wasn't until while trying to find the next job and spending time turning into a stay at home father when he found out that it was never the job he wanted for him or spend the rest of his life being alone, It also never accured to him that his wife who had the same career would just quit on him altogether you would think that the story ends here but at first it became doing everything that he could not to have to choose between his family and a career or at least a life or a world where he would be able to keep both, after the second child was born his wife left him with his first child and carring the second to her home in Canada so he never got to see his second daughter being born. It was then that his world for the next twenty one years was spent trying to find a career and keep his family together on the outside while on the inside knowing that she had already left him and took their kids with him. He tried first by trying to make it work in the city that he was raised in and then even moving to the country that he met her from and no matter how hard he tried it was never enough after five kids three girls and two boys on the 11th of 2011 he came home to an empty house but not before she told him that he needed to find a place to live when he asked her for how long and she answered I don't know he already knew that she was having an affair and that she was gone along with their five children she left him with the bills and not even enough money for a lawyer to defend himself and tried to tell the world that he was the one who didn't care and left her stuck with the bills, It was said by many that He didn't try hard enough to save his family and that maybe he should have been like most who have been cheated on grab a gun and if he can't have her or his kids then no one can, he searched every where for an answer . And then he remembered all the promises that he had made to himself and her before they had gotten married that even though he didn't believe in divorce that if there was ever a point in life that he stop being in love with her that he would let her go before he started cheating on her not realizing that he was making that promise for the both of them but more for her than for him. So where did it all start you ask it started with loving someone enough to realize that there are no guarantees when it comes to being in love with someone and even when you have kids there are no guarantees that they will really know how much you love them until you are gone. so where does that leave him now since then he has learned that he would have to love his children with everything that he has even if it means he can never afford to keep them, he had to be able to love enough to let his ex-wife move on to remarry know that they will never know how much he loved them until they have children of their own. after crying, hurting and feeling abandoned a voice inside his heart called out to him it's time to go he looked around to see where the voice was coming from it's time to have a funeral a what? a funeral you see it's time to say goodbye to a man that has been broken hearted, it's time to let your children grow up on their own and even though you may always love them more than they love you they will always no how to find you if they need you. It's time to wake now and be free to love again with everything you have so that when love finds you? you can love again!