Love is not always at your disposal

You want him to love you! You want him to not only say that he loves you, but also to truly mean it! You want him to love you with that kind of love that can change someone; the kind of love that shuts his eyes closed for everyone but you and puts you in a halo of light around you. You want him to see the fire in your eyes, your eyes and only yours. You want him to feel the softness of your hair, your hair and only yours. You want him to seek the warmness in your arms, your arms and only yours. You want him to look for your advice, yours and only yours. You want him to love you and only you. You want, and want, and want...

But all you are left with is wanting!

Why is the world like this ? You love someone, you give him everything; your heart, your sole, your respect, your trust, you give him your entire being and he doesn't love you back. He can't or we doesn't want to, that's not what matters. The important thing is that it is the reality.

You want him to confide in you about everything; to be faithful, to spend his time with you, to be next to you, when you need him to; you want him to need you and your affection, yours and only yours. But there comes a point in which you realize how much you actually want.

What you want is impossible.

And of course, you start looking for the reason within yourself. You start thinking that you are not giving everything that you possibly can; that you are not the one that he would madly fall in love with and you start wanting to become her; the perfect woman, the one that he is looking for and is not finding in you. But even if he starts loving you when you become her, he wouldn't actually be in love with you, but with the one that you are trying to become; the one that you actually are not. And this wouldn't constitute real love.

You are aware of this and you are trying to find an answer, a much needed solution. How to make him love you??? Can you possibly make him love you? No, right?! There is nothing more that you can do.

You have tried everything, but it just doesn't work. He cannot love you. Maybe it's you or maybe he isn't capable of loving you, or maybe you just weren't meant to be. But you love him so much that you can't face it and you know very well that you must do so, because you are the only one who is actually suffering! But it's all the same to you whether you are with him or not, knowing that he doesn't love you and that maybe he isn't even being faithful.

The only thing you want is to be with him and for him to love you. That makes two things. Ok, then, you settle with just one of them. Why do you do that? Because you love him. You love him more than you love yourself, and this is the biggest mistake in the world that someone can make, the stupidest thing, the biggest sin. But you aren't even a believer; you are not afraid of being a sinner.

You have suffered enough and you are not afraid to sin over and over again, while looking for your true love. You want that to be him, because you are tired of this never ending search; you are tired of the scheming, the hurt feelings and the broken hearts.

You are too tired to keep going, knowing that the person next to you doesn't really love you, nor in his words, neither in his heart and he isn't even trying to hide it. You are fed up with it, but yet you keep going. You keep going because you want to be with him, you want him to love you; you want this more than anything, even though you realize how much you are missing out on; even though you realize that your soul is rotting away, stricken by the coldness coming from his heart.

You keep going without even seeing the point; without finding any reason to continue. But why is everyone looking for a meaning? Sometimes love is just meaningless; ti makes us do things that make no sense, but isn't this why it's called love!

The thing that we are always looking for; the thing that we are not afraid to give out even to people that don't deserve it; the thing that we so stubbornly keep blaming for every mistake that we do; the thing that we desperately need in order to feel alive... More vital than the air, more desired than the sun, more beautiful than life itself... And this is why we absolutely want to have it. But can we? Can we have love at our disposal as if it were an item, a material thing; something that we can sell, give or exchange. We can't, but it seems like this is exactly what we want. We are corrupting its saintliness.

Look at how far we got, didn't we? And you simply wanted to say what you want! What you want, but what you are not getting and what you aren't going to get, no matter how hard you try. Simply because you cannot have love at your disposal!