You never know what you have until you lose it - 2

I already wrote part of my story with him here but I feel the need to finish it to explain how did things happen. Yall probably don't even care but I'm not writing this because I want other peoples pity all I want is take this burning pain that would never go away that is constantly in my chest consuming me like a fire.

Well here I go.. it was a few months before my birthday I was in my sophomore year during vacations me and him had break up because I was moving I told him at first he didn't seem to care he was indifferent and right after our break up he hock up with some other girl of course I was mad supper jealous so i let him go but the thing is that I'm weak and I missed him so for a few weeks I tried talking with him trying to get back with him but he wouldn't nd so imeet this really cute guy on facebook we started talking and before you know it I gave him a chance. this didn't please him at all but he waited for me we had started talking by then and I wanted to be with him so me and the other guy we break up and he was there waiting for me and everything was perfect because he was my everything the person I would go to when I needed something my best friend my lover my Jesse (that's his name.)everything kinda when back to normal by then we were so happy and the worst happen remember I told yaa I had been abuse before we'll that same thing happen again and i became distant I end up in a great depression I would avoid him I didn't wanted to talk to him because I was ashamed of myself I was ashamed of what I was I felt like I didn't deserve him like he needed better but I never told him anything but he notice my spontaneous change. everything changed he tough I was cheating on him so we talked and I end up breaking and telling him this affect him so much he basically burst out crying with me and that's when our life's changed everything we where became down he support me but not the way I needed he would constantly pressure me to tell someone he even tried getting help in the school but no I denied to tell anyone I was to ashamed I constantly told him I was okay a that I didn't needed help but he keep pushing now I see that he did it for my own good but at the moment I felt betrayed I was confuse hurt and frustrated I saw him as my enemy. Then there was this night when I had a nightmare with what had happen to me and of course I call him but when I told him why I had the nightmare he blame me telling it was my fault because I needed to tell someone I was furious I tough why can't you understand that all I need is your support after that nigh things changed for good we would constantly fight for whatever stupid reason he would blow up my phone when I ever I didn't answer I don't know he became more controlling and I became more distant and cold I was tired of all this fighting and bad situations I just wanted to give up and I did I broke up with him thinking it was the best but now I see it wasn't because he's the only guy I would be able to love I miss him so much I kiss his touch his lips his hair his hands on mine his arms around my hips the smell of his colonel his sense of humor the little nicknames he would put me.

I love you Jesse with everything I have I know that everything that has happen has been my fault that I provoque us to be distant and I hate myself for that.