Crying Inside

It's funny when you seems to be happy, or should I say you feel happy.. the feeling that you've totally moved on but when you see that person, all of a sudden the feeling's back...

I realized time cannot totally heal and make you forget.. but acceptance can. Even if you already have your own life with somebody who loves you so truly, your past can really come haunting you back. The present situation cannot cover the hurts of the past, not unless we've learn how to truly let go.

I am now happy with the life that I have. That's what I thought. I marry a man who loves me with all of his heart. I thought I will be so happy with the life that I have and that I've move on. But then upon hearing the news that for such a long time of being single, he now have a girlfriend.. ouch! My whole world came into a crash!.. I was the first one who gave up.. the first one to wave goodbye.. the first one to say it's enough.. I left him with no clear reason at all.. he don't know what happened.. I never told him the reason.. but then I kept him deep in my heart. When I became dating, I know how hurting it was to him. But I ignored his feelings. I became selfish, at that time I'm happy. I ignored his calls, messages and emails.. although sometimes we communicated, I don't entertain the thought of being with him again though that is what I really want. Pride gets in our way. My pride. I know it's been years since he totally moved on. The hurt I've caused him seems to be gone now. Because of someone.. someone who can't be me. Someone who loves him and is not afraid to fight for the love that she have for him. Upon seeing the picture, I wish I was the girl beside him.. the girl who feels special whenever he's with her. The girl who receives flowers on her birthday, a present from him. But it's too late.. i can never be that lucky girl.. No more birthday songs now, no more human alarm clock.. no more superman bestfriend.. no more HIM.. I know he's happy now.. he has totally moved on.. sad to say, after all these years, I've realized, he is still in my heart, I have not move on yet.. I pray that he'll find that happiness that he deserve from her. May he find the love that he deserve in her, the love that I withheld and is afraid to show fully to him.. I believe I too will be happy, now that I am soon to be mom...

Now I have to accept… IT CAN NEVER BE US.. NOT ANYMORE…

PART II

Time flies too fast… I didn't grasp the thought of him being engage for such a short time of having a relationship with that girl. She is so lucky to have him. I know he've waited this long, and finally the moment has come.. His happiness – my agony.. Yes it is true.. I haven't moved on.. but he has totally recovered from the past. He is happy now and he deserve it. I didn't fight for him, I was so blind that I didn't see his effort. I got influenced by those who didn't want him for me. I was afraid of having a long distance relationship and didn't believe him when he said he's willing to settle here for me. Now, I lost him. I lost the man and will never have him back. That realization really hurts. It cuts me deep but nobody knows it, I'm crying inside. I know I have to let this out for me to be free. I need to move on. I have someone who loves me deeply with all of his heart, but here I am, prisoner of the past. Everytime I see his picture with the girl, honestly, I want to cry. I give away the special treasure that I have, I let go of someone who can truly make me happy all the days of my life. The most precious gift was with someone else now, and I can never have it back. Everytime I hear our song, tears flow in my eyes. I need to pretend I'm ok but the truth is I want him back, and it will now be just a thought..just a wish that will never come true. The friendship remains, I think now I am just a friend for him. But for me, he will always remain as special as a friend. I know soon, he'll be married with her. I wish them more joy and happiness as they go another level of their life.

I know soon, I will then get the happiness that I always wanted. I need not to pretend, once that day comes. I need not to cry deep inside…perhaps soon, when will that be?.. I don't know.. His story has another chapter.. Now I have to make my own chapter, a happy one.

THE HEART THAT IS BROKEN NOW, WILL BE WHOLE AGAIN…SOMEDAY…