One very long relationship

I hadn't planned to meet him. I was not prepared, I did not aspire to it. I was not dissatisfied. My heart was free of longings, passions, and unconscious pain. Everything was fine.

I had agreed with a friend to go out with her on a date with her new goal and his best friend. Double-date, but without expecting me and the other to get closer. After seeing him, it seemed to me that this could not happen. He was my type - gloomy, anti-slimy, anti-pink, but at the same time, a very caring young man who, on top of everything, liked (almost) the same music as me. There was also some chemistry between us, unspoken words that never had to be uttered so as not to lose their meaning. We waited together for it to rain and to find ourselves in a wild, slightly dangerous situation - not out of masochism, but because we are crazy in a similar way. There was no reason not to be together, except that in a month and a half I had to return to a distant country.

But then it didn't matter. Everything was wonderful. Undefined with labels, but strong and clear enough. This man, who later told me that he had been "operated by feelings," answered me simply but terribly kindly, "Because I am so pleased," to the question, "And why should I stay?" after the first night I slept at his place. After I left, he told me, "I actually miss you," and we had talked a lot before about how I wouldn't expect feelings from him, and it's not clear if our relationship would continue. He put up with me crying for a long time before I got in the taxi two days before I left.

I came back after 4 months. It wasn't the same for him. After a month of agony, we parted on my own initiative, but at his request. But we were both sad.

A little over a year after our meeting, I came back. We saw each other and things between us were almost the same as they used to be. Because we hadn't planned anything and because we weren't together. There were moments of coldness on his part and mentions of other men on my part, ostensibly with the explanation that they didn't interest me. But that between us just didn't want to end. There's something about the way we talk that doesn't fit into a purely friendly conversation. And I don't see how that will change. How can what is sealed in my mind disappear? How can this person just be my friend when we know things about each other that are only talked about in very intimate moments? And with whom do we look at the same things with ridicule?

Sometimes these things between two people fade with time, but does it always happen? Maybe I just hope they fade.