Is it worth it when there is no love?

Dear readers,

I want to share my story and get your opinions, which will help me see things from a different angle.

I met him eight years ago – we used to be colleagues. He was married, but he told me that he and his wife have been separated for almost a year. As time went by, he won me over and I fell in love with him. One day we started looking for our own nest and we found it.

We started living there, but I still haven’t seen his 10-year old son and his parents. Finally we became acquainted, but after a great deal of turns and twists on his side. He still hasn’t got a divorce, which made me feel very bad, but he told me that it’s not a good idea to do it now, because they had an agreement to wait for a municipal apartment and then it would be so much easier. It took him a long time, but finally he got a divorce.

After two-three years we started thinking about a child. I got pregnant and at the end of my pregnancy we went to sign and get married. It was all so forced. What I wanted him to understand is that I truly wanted to be a bride, that’s how he would confess his love for me to everyone.

The child was born and I had to stay home. I would often hear the words: ‘what would happen if I am not here to earn money’. I was hurt but I did not pay much attention to him. I went back to work soon after the birth. And he became my subordinate at work. You could sense some kind of revolt in the office, not a day would pass without him showing in some way that my authority means nothing to him – and he would demonstrate it in front of all our co-workers. After some time he was presented with an opportunity to work abroad for very good salary. He left for a year. At the end of the year I literally took the words out of his mouth by force that he wants to stay for one more. Then they turned into three. I had to work and take care of the baby. I bought an apartment and repaired it. I was paying the mortgage and the support money for his son from his first marriage every month. In the meantime I found out that many of the things he used to tell me about his previous family were not true. For example, they have never been separated… not that they were madly in love with each other, but a fact's a fact. He even used some lies about me to justify his decision to live with me.

I gradually started to lose my trust in him. We started having big rows. People around him were having a disastrous effect on him. He became arrogant and thought that since he lives and works abroad and is well paid, he is the greatest, and the child and I will stay hungry if he is not earning money. At the beginning we both thought it was best for me to stay here so as not to lose my good job. We kept on holding to our unfortunate family because of the child and mutual interest. He used to come back every two months. On the third year he was quickly sent home. Such positions are very unstable.

He had sent his luggage in advance. How foolish I was, I decided I can get everything in order, so that when he comes home we can easily organize everything else. I found photos –very intimate – he, a co-worker of his and two women in the apartment of one of them. One of the women was his colleague’s girlfriend, but what about the other one… she was a co-worker. I also found a notebook with the following words: I love you too and I will be waiting for you… at the agreed place. It was so painful! But what hurt me more was that while we were sharing in the past I had mentioned that I can understand a man who is alone somewhere, to have a relationship. But how could he leave such proofs. As you may guess, he came back and we started quarrelling over and over. My already shaken trust in him was totally gone, I knew that love was gone, there was no sex… Still I heard again – how was it possible that I could be so ungrateful – he had done everything for me and how could I be complaining all the time. Some nasty scenes of physical violence from both of us followed. It wasn’t on purpose, but I saw in his phone that he had called that lady.

I think I could forget her, I am not a saint myself. What is painful is the fact that he doesn’t think he is hurting my pride when I see these photos and notes.

On the other hand, he is such a good father, he takes care of the child, they play together. He helps me around the house, usually when he feels guilty, otherwise he complains.

If I manage to push this whole pain away, he would feel good and we can live, let’s say almost normal life. But how do I do that, how can I trust him again, how do I feel attracted to him, how do I get over all this?

How do you stop wanting to be loved, respected, desired? I am only 30 years old. And again, how do I fight from now on alone with the kid, how do I find the strength for it? I hate that I would have to explain what is going on and why we live alone without his father. I already feel the pain that I would have to hear him use his father’s and family manipulations. Isn’t it easier to stay in this relationship and live without love? But is it worth it?