We can never have everything
I decided to write to you because, despite the variety of stories, I never found one that would bring me the answers I was looking for.
The case is as follows: I am 24 years old and I have a boyfriend with whom we have been together for 6 years. I experienced love with him, which is rare - strong and emotional, burning. At the same time, he did not hurt me, as in most cases when love is very passionate. On the contrary, he always put me on a pedestal, gave me tenderness and attention, pleased me with everything.
I say "I experienced" because lately, I have the feeling that everything is going away and I can't bring it back. The reason is that the more I get to know him, the more I discover things I don't like. It's all about his personality, not our relationship. He is a wonderful person, he has great qualities, but there are also some that I do not like, and it is very important for me that the person I am with has them. It's about being too soft, insecure, and indecisive. He often leaves other people in charge of his life, he is too passive. I myself look like a quiet and meek person, but in fact, I am a very strong character, I always achieve my goals and I do not allow anyone to control my opinion. I need a man with a firmer character next to me, because I am a woman, and I want him to be stronger.
I want to clarify in advance that I am not one of those people who like "bad boys", on the contrary - I want him to treat me well and that is exactly the dilemma. About a year after the beginning of our relationship, I met another guy who seemed to be everything I ever wanted, but ... There is always a "but".
I just instinctively felt that he couldn't give me the attitude I was looking for, but I thought I deserved it. He is determined, confident, ambitious, and attracts me externally and physically. He's not a macho or a womanizer, I didn't like him because of that.
He's just man enough and he knows what he wants. He had (and still has) feelings for me, but we were never together. He told me that if I broke up with my boyfriend, we would get together, but I didn't. Then he met a girl who I don't think he liked. While he was with her, he told me more than once that he actually wanted me, but since I was with someone else, he would wait for me until I was free. I don't think they're together anymore (I just don't ask him so as not to annoy him), but even if they are, it doesn't matter, because I know that if I ask, he will choose me. He often asks me "won't you marry your boyfriend", I laugh and tell him it won't be soon. He always answers me: "so I still have a chance". He even once told me, "If you ever get married, it will be for me." I didn't take it seriously.
I just sometimes wonder how we can continue to see each other for years without a relationship, even though we have feelings. I know he won't be waiting for me forever. It used to be easier for me because I was madly in love with my boyfriend, and I just saw the other one as someone I liked but would never be with.
Lately, however, I have been increasingly annoyed by my boyfriend's qualities. Our relationship is very harmonious, there are emotions, there are friendship and respect, but I do not feel he is an equal partner to admire. It's like I love him without liking him. As for the other boy, I definitely admire and appreciate him, but I just think that our relationship is impossible.
I've known him for years, and I never got to know him - he's too secretive and has a hard time expressing his feelings. I keep thinking that if we are together, there will be no hugs, tenderness, romance - all the things I have now. Or maybe I'm just scared? This person attracts me a lot, I know that I also attract him, but I do not imagine our future together.
What hurts me the most is that I cooled down to my boyfriend - the one who adores me and whom I loved madly. Simply because I couldn't swallow his shortcomings and kept comparing him to the other. I think my boyfriend senses that I am no longer the same and that hurt him, and I do not want him to suffer in any case. I just have to like him the way he is, and I can't. I adore his attitude towards me, but not himself - or rather that part of his character that I cannot accept. I wonder why we can never have everything - if we like the person, then in our relationship something will be lame or vice versa.
I am counting on your opinion, friends. I will be happy to receive comments from older people who have more experience. I want to clarify that I am not a pamper who does not know what she wants - everyone says that I am too mature for my age. Nor am I bored with my boyfriend because he carries me in his arms - on the contrary, this is exactly what I like the most and I don't want to lose, and my intuition tells me that the other can't give it to me (he can love me, but without showing it and making gestures).
I like security and open expression of feelings in a relationship, so I chose them. But only until the moment they were combined with love. Because love is the most important - everyone who has experienced it will confirm it. And now I feel like love is going away.
Did I give it to the wrong person? I don't want to hurt him, I don't want to believe that love is gone. Because he never met my expectations, and the other one, as if in vain, always exceeded them.